Dear World Lottery Club…

To whom it may concern,

I was recently informed by your organisation that you had some exciting news regarding my purchase. I was instructed to click the link in the email and check my results to find out how much I’d won. Having been announced in big red letters with a sprinkling of stars and a sense of optimistic urgency, I assumed I’d hit the jackpot.

So imagine my crushing disappointment when I discovered that I’d won the paltry sum of £3.60. Which is hardly a life-changing amount by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, it’s barely enough for a Frappuccino. To make matters worse, this devastating revelation was accompanied by a garish green and hideously happy emoji face. Well, dear sir or madam, I can assure you there was absolutely nothing to be happy about.

If you don’t mind me suggesting, perhaps you could consider revising your email templates to help manage our expectations? “We have some exciting news” conjures wholly misguided images of instant retirement and yacht-collecting for those of us who will go on to find we’ve actually won less than a fiver. Life is depressing enough as it is without you guys adding insult to injury.

A good starting point might be to clarify precisely what level of “exciting” we’ll be dealing with here in the subject line. For instance: is it Tom-Cruise-jumping-up-and-down-on-Oprah’s-sofa-like-a-lunatic exciting? Or merely ooooh-there’s-that-missing-earring-back-I-thought-I’d-sucked-up-the-hoover-the-other-week exciting? This would almost certainly go some way towards alleviating the cruel blow to come.

Similarly, perhaps you could take a minute to update your emoji library? Maybe you are unfamiliar with the vast plethora of expressive symbols now available at your fingertips to convey every conceivable scenario? The fat, jolly face that accompanied my message looks like it’s laughing all the way to the bank. As in the actual bank, not the piggy bank. Which is the only bank worth bothering to put my winnings in.

Here are some far more suitable options for the pittance I scooped:

😐 Neutral Face

😑 Expressionless Face

😶 Mouthless Face

🙄 Rolling Eyes Face

😒 Unamused Face

☹ Frowning Face

🙁 Slightly Frowning Face

😖 Confounded Face

😞 Disappointed Face

😢 Crying Face

😭 Inconsolable Face

😩 Weary Face

😱 Screaming Face

😵 Speechless Face

😡 Vexed Face

😠 Angry Face

🤡 Clown Face

🙀 Screaming Cat Face

💩 Pile of Poo Face

Any combination of the above would have been far more apt than this face:

I do hope you’ll take some of my feedback on board. There are thousands of people out there needlessly riding emotional rollercoasters of euphoria and despair upon finding one of your emails in their inbox. Imagine all the pain and palpitations you could spare us just by putting a few extra words in the subject line and a bit more thought into your emoji selection.

Please – have some compassion. And a great day.

Yours sincerely,
The Tellergram

 

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Dear Big People…

To Infinity & Beyonce