MACtastrophe: A Recipe for Disaster

Screen Shot 2015-07-21 at 13.03.48Much of my life has been a never-ending duel with my T-zone. This region has been doused in every home remedy, face wash and cosmetic product known to man to keep it under control – mostly to no avail. Apparently I’ll be enthralled with this affliction when I’m 89 and still look like a baby’s buttock. Unfortunately, this joyous revelation is still some way off and in the meantime, it’s just a big fat greasy ball-ache.

Summer is the worst time of year, of course, when the sun’s evil rays send my glands into overdrive, pumping out enough gallons of oil to rival the North Sea. Short of dunking my face into a bag of flour every 15 minutes like a battered fillet, there was nothing I could find that was powerful enough to keep the spillage at bay. Until one marvellous day, when a lovely lady in Selfridges solemnly introduced me to the holy grail of shine control: Mac’s Prep + Prime Face Protect with SPF 50.

It was magic. I could swipe it on and leave the house knowing that my make-up would stay intact all day long, without changing colour, and my dreaded T-zone would only require a spot of powder at lunchtime to see me through to the evening. I gleefully threw all my blotting papers and tissues away in a shower of confetti and instantly became a devoted customer.

I don’t know what kind of Ju-Ju they were doing in the lab when they concocted it; all I know is this stuff could mattify a Jheri Curl.

The other day, my trusty tube of miracle mattifier ran out, so I popped down to my usual outlet to buy another one. I noticed that it was a little runnier than usual on application, but assumed that perhaps it had melted somewhat during the heatwave. However, in just a few short hours, I began to resemble a puddle of snail slick. Something was definitely afoot.

A quick online search revealed many other shocked and dissatisfied customers lamenting the primer’s sudden change in consistency and performance, with a number of reviews stating that their beloved product is now only “good for frying eggs”. Further investigation on the company’s website revealed that MAC has taken it upon itself to upgrade “your favourite sun-shielding primer” with a bunch of antioxidants for increased protection. Apparently, “a blend of mineral-rich nutrients, including red and brown algae extracts, iron and potassium, helps cells to retain moisture, absorbing instantly with a comfortable, non-oily finish”.

Well, as I’m sure you can imagine, such benefits don’t come cheap (even fictitious ones – “non-oily finish” my foot!), and at £24 a pop, I’ve discovered a far more cost-effective way for all of us to replicate the exact look and feel of this atrocious ‘new and improved’ formulation in five simple steps:

melted butter

  1. Go to your local corner store.
  2. Purchase a block of butter/margarine/lard – any brand will do.
  3. Unwrap the butter/margarine/lard.
  4. Slather the entire block of butter/margarine/lard all over your face. Don’t even try to rub it in. Just let it sit there and melt.
  5. Apply your make-up on top of this mess, blend well, aaaaand… voila! You’ve just saved £22!

Ps – don’t try this at home. : )

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