Lessons in Love – from Uber

7275208_i-heart-you-so-please-buckle-your-uber_5695fe3_mLast Saturday, I caught a cab to a conference called How to Get the Relationship You Deserve. It was free, and I had nothing to lose. The speaker bore an uncanny resemblance to Nick Grimshaw and looked like a caricature of a used-car salesman, all suited and booted in black patent brogues, a pink tie that was almost as wide as his smile, and dark, slicked-back hair.

Unbeknownst to him as he bounded onto the stage to his pounding hype music, he was also sporting three streaks of black marker pen down the side of his face. One of the audience members dutifully wiped it off for him halfway through the event, just stopping short of spitting onto a tissue first. Undeterred, he swore like a trooper as he battled his way through a barrage of technical difficulties, struggling to make himself heard over the deafening whines of dog whistles and whale song as the PA system went into total meltdown.

More than 600 of us had packed into the conference room to absorb his words of wisdom, and I was hoping to share them here with you – but it turns out the whole thing was just a ruse to flog his life-coaching course. Despite going to great lengths to tell us how much he doesn’t need our money, he spent the second half of the afternoon asking for our money – a mere £2k, if you will. And that was on special offer. Luckily, my Uber driver Naser – who really couldn’t understand why I’d needed to go to such an event in the first place – was more than happy to dispense some advice.

“There is nothing wrong with you,” he declared, having given me a cursory once-over in the rear-view mirror. “You look fine. I don’t know why you haven’t managed to find a husband. Why have you left it so long?”

I tried to explain to him that I was actually with my childhood sweetheart for 10 years all told, and that eventually, he ended up marrying someone else. “What did she have that you didn’t have?” he demanded. “Breasts,” I replied. “There is nothing wrong with your breasts!” he declared after a backwards glance at the traffic lights. “Your breasts are fine! I still don’t understand why you don’t have a husband. Why didn’t you find one after him?”

I tried to explain that it’s not like I haven’t been looking – it’s just that I’d actually like to have a real connection with the person that I end up with and, unfortunately, many of the guys that would have been great matches are already taken – especially at my age. “How old are you?” he demanded. “Thirty-six,” I replied.

He sucked the air in through gritted teeth and made a hissing sound – like the one a mechanic makes just before he rubs his chin and hits you with a long list of unforeseen issues that are guaranteed to cost you an arm and a leg. “Yeah we’re leaving this a bit late, to be honest,” he said. “You need to hurry up.”

“You’re still doing okay though – you don’t look your age,” he announced. “I never would have thought you were that old.” I thanked him for the backhanded compliment.

“Oh and for god’s sake, whatever you do, don’t go on that online rubbish,” he continued. “People on there can lie – they can be gay, they can be serial killers, they can be anything, you know? You’re better off meeting someone in real life.” I explained that meeting someone in real life doesn’t negate these risks – they are just as likely to be lying gay serial killers as the people you find on dating apps. You still have to meet the people you find on-screen in real life, and then you can decide whether you like them or not. It’s just another way of crossing someone’s path. “Yes, I suppose,” he conceded.

“Well if you look okay and you are going out there and meeting people and you still don’t have a husband, then you must be too fussy,” he declared. “I bet you have a giant list – what sort of man are you looking for? Are you expecting a man to be this rich, and this tall, and this handsome? Romantic with an amazing job? Tell me – what are you looking for?”

“I’m not looking for any of those things,” I replied. “I’m looking for my best friend.” That stumped him for a moment. But he was soon back with an answer. “Well – then there must be a problem with your fishing tools.” I looked at him blankly in the rear-view mirror.

“Look – all you have to remember is, it’s a game: there’s plenty of fish in the sea, and all you need to go fishing is some bait and a hook.” He studied me one last time as I climbed out of the car. “You are a decent-looking nice lady – there’s nothing wrong with your bait,” he declared. “Clearly, there’s something wrong with your hook.”

As I thanked him for the insightful ride, he said: “Don’t worry – if all else fails, I will happily be your husband. I am a good boy; I know how to behave myself. Here’s my number – give me a call and we’ll finish sorting this out, okay?”

I think we can all agree that neither Naser nor the conference speaker really got to the bottom of how to get the relationship you deserve – feel free to share your own suggestions, as I’d still love to know the answer. However, I’ve decided not to take the driver up on his marriage proposal just yet. But I’ll hang on to his number. Just in case.

: )

 

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* Hey guys – just wanted to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who’s dropped by to check out my blog via WordPress Discover’s Editors’ Picks over the past few days (special thanks to Michelle W for choosing me), and a HUGE welcome to all who’ve signed up to my mailing list! I’m stoked – looking forward to rustling up some more stories to share with you!  : D x

 

164 thoughts

  1. This made me chuckle! Love it! Lol ‘…there’s nothing wrong with your bait…there’s something wrong with your hook!’ Hilarious!!! Bless him! Yes, hold onto his number…just in case lol

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  5. Bizarrely I too have been in this same situation and chose not to take up the offer of a date (I didn’t get as far as a marriage proposal!)
    However I know a woman who DID take up the offer and is now 7 years happily married with a family.
    Perhaps we’re baiting, hooking and catching them then throwing them back in the pond without testing them out!!?

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    1. ‘Tis very true – how many good fish might we have thrown back in the sea because they didn’t look like a decent catch? It can be very hard to tell! This fishing lark’s stressful work – I thought it was supposed to be relaxing? Seven years, eh? Maybe I should give Naser a ring after all : D x

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      1. Thank you for sharing your very well written story. Some people make the mistake of fishing with a net instead of a hook, which leads to massive ‘catch and release,’ while others get taken hook, line and sinker. There’s lots fish in the ocean so keep casting your line. And no, I am not a fisherman.

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  7. Love the way you told this story! The best advice I’ve heard is that instead of looking for the type of person you want to find, it is better to start becoming the type of person you want to find. And 36 is not late!!! 😉

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  12. To be honest, I found Naser just another agent of patriarchy, maybe unknowingly. He seemed like a decent guy but honestly few of his statements made me cringe, like; 36 is late for marriage, if you’re old and still unmarried you must be fussy, continuous stress on looks, etc. And of course, straight men can be equally deceiving, if not more than gay men.
    But of course, I don’t doubt that his intentions were decent.

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  13. I think you just keep putting yourself out there until you cross paths with the right guy. I found my best friend and love of my life in my late 40’s. To find him I went on SO many dates. I met a lot of nice men, but I wasn’t finding the connection I was seeking, so I kept looking.

    I used one of the popular dating sites and I answered over a thousand of their questions. He was an incredibly high match for me and he had also answered a plethora of questions which made the match percentages more true, in my opinion. The real gold was in the comments he added to his answers, because if one were to compare our answers side by side they were often verbatim. Some days I wonder if we share a brain; it’s so uncanny. It’s been two years now and we’re still like peas and carrots.

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  21. Not sure if this is the place for a guy, but may I make an analogy other than fishing? Transportation, perhaps? I’ve overheard that dating guys can be like catching a bus; if you missed one, just wait-another will be along soon.
    I rode public transportation, and there is an important learning and growing experience that comes with doing so. You don’t really understand all the costs and benefits that weigh into vehicle ownership until you go without. On the surface, especially to those too posh to consider having to look society in the face for a whole commute, it seems like a pathetically sad way to get around. But what it really does is teach you things about your city, the people in it, and yourself that you’d never learn behind your windshield, safely insulated in your soundproof bubble.
    What does that have to do with relationships? Well, you might be too anxious to have that long term solution to understand your own needs. Remember, it’s going to take more of your resources (time, energy, money) to have your own than to go without. You don’t want to get swindled into buying a Lincoln Navi with spinners if the car that really fits you is a Subaru Forester with a ski rack, you know? Guys and car dealers are notoriously self-serving in this way and your best way to avoid getting burned is to come into it knowing what you are really looking for. Free yourself of the burden and get to know yourself first.
    I have no qualms with apps, speed dating, Craigslist, or other dating avenues. As you say, it only takes the waiting out of crossing paths. Go date, but reserve yourself. It’s kind of an interview, but have fun with it. Isn’t it awful to go on a date when both of you are so focused on finding -the one- that you can’t even enjoy the couple hours with another human being? Be explicit at the beginning that you are not there to purchase, just to test drive, and the rest of your afternoon is now free to be enjoyed sans pressure to close the sale! Even if owning the Navigator isn’t for you, at least you’ll have the experience of driving it along with the experience of riding the bus to understand why the Suby is the perfect fit for you!

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  22. Thank you for sharing the story. I had a somewhat similar situation happen to me at a former job. I was in a meeting with an older man, and he was asking me some questions about my life (nothing creepy – he’s a really good guy). Then, out of nowhere, he looks at me and asks, “At your age, you should be married. Why aren’t you married?”

    I was completely speechless, and didn’t know what to say. I eventually responded, “The right man hasn’t come along yet.” The man looked at me doubtfully, and then shifted the conversation to another topic.

    The older man later (and subtlely, to his credit) tried to set me up with somebody else. At the time, I severely questioned his judgment – it was another of his surprises, and the guy he was recommending came off to me as super arrogant! – but now, I see that my initial impressions can and should change, as I get to know someone better.

    There’s more to the story, but here is the moral of the story: I have been profoundly impressed by the wisdom of veritable strangers. Sometimes, we need people to speak into our lives who know very little about us, because they can give us honest feedback that we otherwise might not receive, and raise questions and issues that we had never previously considered.

    And I’m older than you, Nadia! I’m fortunate that I don’t look my age, either, but it still isn’t terribly helpful when people tell me that I should be married by now, and look at me as if I’m doing something wrong. Yes, I suppose there could be an issue with my “hook,” but there may also be stuff going on with some of the fish in the sea, too!

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  27. Naser sounds like, despite his appalling backhanded compliments, he had better advice than Señor Seminar. Maybe he should start a life coaching line of work. Cab Confidence; Giving Advice Nobody Asked For

    But he sounds sort of sweet. Odd, but sweet. Well-meaning at least.

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  28. “… there’s something wrong with your hook.” Actually quite insightful. Your “hook” equals things like where you go to meet men (the man you want is not likely to be hanging out in a bar); your vibe (relax! You’re just there to have a good time, not to meet the man of your dreams, etc.). I suppose it could also include how you dress, etc., but if the Uber driver thought you looked fine you probably do. Thing is, you’re more likely to find someone who turns out to be your best friend if you stop trying, kind of like what happens when people stop trying to get pregnant. I know, it’s a paradox. But I really believe you’re more likely to meet the guy if you stop trying. I also know that can be like, “Don’t think about a giraffe ….” Finally, I don’t know if you are a churchy person or not (I’m not), but many middle-of-the-road, mainstream churches have stuff for “singles” that has helped some of my clients (I’m a therapist). Relax! it’ll happen ….

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  30. I love how down to earth and funny the post is..officially following for more laugh and gags as well as some tips.

    Your Mr. Right is coming, I have no doubt about that. Patience and self love is all you need..let him find you so deeply in love with yourself so that he has a standard to measure up to

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  33. What an entertaining cab ride, and clearly your driver sounds as though he did have your best interest at heart…no strings attached. I do hope you find your best friend or better yet, your best friend finds you, and soon.

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  34. Dear Nadia,

    There’s nothing wrong with your bait, or your hook. Everyone needs to be who they are (bait) and how they want to interact with people (hook). I am 10+ years separated, six years divorced. I tried the dating scene but didn’t enjoy it because all my dates were (like) in the hurry of hooking a relationship; and when you commit, there comes a time, a very short one, that after the honeymoon period elapses, you are back to reality.

    So, I go out to meet friends and strangers, mingle with them, but do not anymore expect anything to come out of these encounters other than I try to enjoy myself with their company. Sometimes, I strike up some prospective business without selling an iota myself (I’m a freelance consultant). Once in a while, a physical attraction ensues. Like much curiosity that hovers on most of us, I try to know more about her by asking her out. If she agrees, the bait (my physical self) is good enough for her. After going out a few more times and we get to know more of each other, then I guess the hook (my character) is something she likes. The jackpot is if she agrees not to fast-track the romance but take it a step at a time.

    Cheers!

    Raffy

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  40. I was heartened to see we Uber drivers are truly the new breed of Zen Buddhists. Get in, receive enlightenment through inappropriate verging on insulting jackassery, get out, get ahead. For us, a little money and another chance to misdirect the anger from the chip on our shoulder which consumes us. Or so I’ve been told.

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  44. I love this, i enjoyed reading it, and the way u narrated this was exceptional, funny & insightfull. The way you wrote it kinda reminds me of a note i once wrote on FB titled “Why some womens role is to prepare men for other women” (obviously subjective), but to some extend i think we obsess over “finding people” as if being unmarried is a sin or curse, much as its desirable but its not a be all end all situation, we must ne flexible and adapt. If we find them cool, if we dont, then life goes on

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  46. Thank you Nadia for such an awesome post. As you said it’s really hard to find a best friend as a life partner. May of bless you to have a better half as you wish.. Even i am sailing in the same boat!

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  48. I love meeting people like your taxi driver here. They bring so much colour into the world!
    I too spent nine years being on again/off again with my childhood sweetheart, until he left me for someone else. Only the person he left me for had a penis, instead of breasts.
    I met my current partner on Tinder – he’s the only person that I’ve ever originally met online and then agreed to meet in person. We were friends for over a year before anything happened between us, and when it did happen, I was very surprised, because I didn’t think he would be interested in me that way.
    Don’t give up! It’ll happen when you least expect it. And you always have Naser’s very kind offer of being your matrimonial back-up 🙂

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  50. Take the uber driver up on the offer and meet for coffee! Maybe it was a sign, he could be your soulmate and if there is still no connection you will at least get some free compliments and maybe some of the real answers you were seeking at the seminar 😉

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