Lessons in Love – from Uber

7275208_i-heart-you-so-please-buckle-your-uber_5695fe3_mLast Saturday, I caught a cab to a conference called How to Get the Relationship You Deserve. It was free, and I had nothing to lose. The speaker bore an uncanny resemblance to Nick Grimshaw and looked like a caricature of a used-car salesman, all suited and booted in black patent brogues, a pink tie that was almost as wide as his smile, and dark, slicked-back hair.

Unbeknownst to him as he bounded onto the stage to his pounding hype music, he was also sporting three streaks of black marker pen down the side of his face. One of the audience members dutifully wiped it off for him halfway through the event, just stopping short of spitting onto a tissue first. Undeterred, he swore like a trooper as he battled his way through a barrage of technical difficulties, struggling to make himself heard over the deafening whines of dog whistles and whale song as the PA system went into total meltdown.

More than 600 of us had packed into the conference room to absorb his words of wisdom, and I was hoping to share them here with you – but it turns out the whole thing was just a ruse to flog his life-coaching course. Despite going to great lengths to tell us how much he doesn’t need our money, he spent the second half of the afternoon asking for our money – a mere £2k, if you will. And that was on special offer. Luckily, my Uber driver Naser – who really couldn’t understand why I’d needed to go to such an event in the first place – was more than happy to dispense some advice.

“There is nothing wrong with you,” he declared, having given me a cursory once-over in the rear-view mirror. “You look fine. I don’t know why you haven’t managed to find a husband. Why have you left it so long?”

I tried to explain to him that I was actually with my childhood sweetheart for 10 years all told, and that eventually, he ended up marrying someone else. “What did she have that you didn’t have?” he demanded. “Breasts,” I replied. “There is nothing wrong with your breasts!” he declared after a backwards glance at the traffic lights. “Your breasts are fine! I still don’t understand why you don’t have a husband. Why didn’t you find one after him?”

I tried to explain that it’s not like I haven’t been looking – it’s just that I’d actually like to have a real connection with the person that I end up with and, unfortunately, many of the guys that would have been great matches are already taken – especially at my age. “How old are you?” he demanded. “Thirty-six,” I replied.

He sucked the air in through gritted teeth and made a hissing sound – like the one a mechanic makes just before he rubs his chin and hits you with a long list of unforeseen issues that are guaranteed to cost you an arm and a leg. “Yeah we’re leaving this a bit late, to be honest,” he said. “You need to hurry up.”

“You’re still doing okay though – you don’t look your age,” he announced. “I never would have thought you were that old.” I thanked him for the backhanded compliment.

“Oh and for god’s sake, whatever you do, don’t go on that online rubbish,” he continued. “People on there can lie – they can be gay, they can be serial killers, they can be anything, you know? You’re better off meeting someone in real life.” I explained that meeting someone in real life doesn’t negate these risks – they are just as likely to be lying gay serial killers as the people you find on dating apps. You still have to meet the people you find on-screen in real life, and then you can decide whether you like them or not. It’s just another way of crossing someone’s path. “Yes, I suppose,” he conceded.

“Well if you look okay and you are going out there and meeting people and you still don’t have a husband, then you must be too fussy,” he declared. “I bet you have a giant list – what sort of man are you looking for? Are you expecting a man to be this rich, and this tall, and this handsome? Romantic with an amazing job? Tell me – what are you looking for?”

“I’m not looking for any of those things,” I replied. “I’m looking for my best friend.” That stumped him for a moment. But he was soon back with an answer. “Well – then there must be a problem with your fishing tools.” I looked at him blankly in the rear-view mirror.

“Look – all you have to remember is, it’s a game: there’s plenty of fish in the sea, and all you need to go fishing is some bait and a hook.” He studied me one last time as I climbed out of the car. “You are a decent-looking nice lady – there’s nothing wrong with your bait,” he declared. “Clearly, there’s something wrong with your hook.”

As I thanked him for the insightful ride, he said: “Don’t worry – if all else fails, I will happily be your husband. I am a good boy; I know how to behave myself. Here’s my number – give me a call and we’ll finish sorting this out, okay?”

I think we can all agree that neither Naser nor the conference speaker really got to the bottom of how to get the relationship you deserve – feel free to share your own suggestions, as I’d still love to know the answer. However, I’ve decided not to take the driver up on his marriage proposal just yet. But I’ll hang on to his number. Just in case.

: )

 

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* Hey guys – just wanted to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who’s dropped by to check out my blog via WordPress Discover’s Editors’ Picks over the past few days (special thanks to Michelle W for choosing me), and a HUGE welcome to all who’ve signed up to my mailing list! I’m stoked – looking forward to rustling up some more stories to share with you!  : D x

 

164 thoughts

    1. Hi, my honest thought is that, when we have too many expectations from our beau is the time we lose the essence of love and become this innate being that women can be- Rulers. We like to rule, we like to dominate. So we keep our ulterior motives aside, we can definitely fall in love.

      Liked by 3 people

  1. I’ve been married, dated, have three kids. I am single now and it’s the best thing that has happened to me. It’s peaceful, no drama, I get to do what I want. In general, men are a disappointment. They do for sure want one thing and one thing only. You know that that is. They will go to great lengths to get it. And it’s annoying. We women are different than that and very few men understand us. Frankly being single has empowered me to be the boss of my own life and I am becoming a better person every day because of it.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. As a man, I am not sure that I can agree with that. Sure there are a lot of guys who are just out to get laid – and I could say that there a a lot of women who are just out to get laid. Both of these tend to be younger rather than older – though that is not true across the board. I would be interested in context here. Can I ask what caused the seperation from your ex-husband? Truth be told there are some shocking men out there that have tarneshed menkind with a bad name!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I appreciate your comment. I certainly don’t want to offend anyone. It was a long time ago when I left with the kids. He didn’t do anything wrong. I just realized I did not want to spend one more day with him. The separation was the result of combination of personal changes and struggles in my life and his inability to be the father and provider I needed him to be. It was complicated. Dating later, every man has made my life more complicated and full of drama. So when I read a post about someone trying to find her man, I just cringe. Lol 😂 I’m really the happiest I’ve ever been alone. Thank you for your reply.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. Hey Honeymoon reader.Thanks for sharing. You know what, if you are happy – then great. I mean that really is one of lifes great goals. I can whole heartedly agree with you on one thing – partners bring drama with them! They always do, whether good/bad, nice/evil – they all bring drama. I wondered for ages if it was the nature of being in a realationship – but then I saw couples where there was no major drama so that defuncted that one! If you are happy, then good on you!

      Liked by 3 people

      1. Although that’s what you see on the outside. People show their best selves in public. Or for someone to see. Behind closed doors is another matter. I prefer to close my door and there be pretty much 99.9 percent possibility it will be peaceful and tranquil and I will do what I want and I will eat what I want, I won’t have to watch nor hear some football game when it’s not my perfect hair day. I know you understand – Lol

        Liked by 2 people

    3. I’m not sure, if one enjoys celibacy (which is a fine thing), one has to tar all men into one stereotype to do so. There can be nice men out there and it’s still fine to be celibate anyway – no one has has to catch one like they are pokemon or something.

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Hey, maybe go grab coffee with the driver – life is strange…he might have the perfect guy for you 🙂 or nutty as it sounds HE might be the one! Crazy the random conversations we can have with people! You’ll find your guy when you aren’t expecting it. Heck, who would have thought after 15 years of zero contact with hubby #2 that random events would have us get back together. Life is wild – don’t stress about getting a guy – best to find the true,authentic you and hold that “you” in a way higher regard than some relationship with a guy. That old saying you have to love yourself first holds a lot of truth! Once you really feel that and don’t care about being alone unless it’s right…that’s when they will arrive in spades!!! P.S. Apparently your bait was pretty hot to Naser so bask in that glory that you’re a hottie 🙂 ! Also, my daughter and niece both met their husband and fiancee on Match…just have to really look hard for any “red flags” and NEVER EVER “settle”! Loved you post!!! Great writing!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I met my husband on a raw food dating site 11 years ago. He was 52, I was 57. Our profiles described ourselves and the person we were looking for. We both enjoy healthful meals, hiking, music, sustainable living, spirituality, justice, sexuality and more. Having all those things in common has helped us form a strong, lasting bond.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Haha, nice.

    ” I tried to explain that it’s not like I haven’t been looking – ”
    I guess this fish just jumped into your boat.

    Many times people fish for different reasons; to show off, for relaxation, for food.. Etc. However, this fish skipped your hook not to get damaged or hurt in the process; nibbling on the bait hoping to survive. Take care of this fish and you will find the companion you deserved. As you said…
    “I’m looking for my best friend.”

    I suggest a date, I forsee good conversation on said first date.. You guys could entertain the last conversation about dating apps and dating lol.

    Great post!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Keep looking , just look at the date as a fun night out , that’s it , nothing else , there’s only a few good guys left , to marry is a lot to ask , just try to make friends first , groups are the best way to meet people no pressure !!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Go ahead an lose that number. You don’t need someone so critical. After my divorce and two stressful rebound relationships, I decided it’s better to be single than to be with someone who added a lot of stress to my life. Yes, I was lonely sometimes, but I learned to love me, to find out who I am as an individual. I made lists of what I wanted in a partner and asked God to send me someone who would be a good fit. I also accepted that it’s okay to be single and I focused on friendship and working on my issues. It took awhile, but my soulmate found me when the time was right – when we were both ready. I’m writing a book about it. The key is to love who you are and don’t settle for someone who is not comfortable. Best wishes!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Thanks for writing, it was very entertaining. Good luck, it’s rough out there! I didn’t meet the love of my life until I was 31. OKcupid.com worked for me, though I had to slog through a few creeps 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Great read. This is good, I enjoy my single life of making friends until I can find that best friend.
    Casual sex and games are deal breakers. Just getting out more with your guy friends and having old fashion fun and when you least expect it that’s when it happens but until then have fun in the journey!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I find it really strange in the modern dating arena. We are in a state of social flux, where the dynamics of male roles and female roles are changing from the the previous social programming of hundreds if not thousands of years. I personally experienced a culture shock of sorts after enter the single life in 2013. To put it bluntly the game changed during my 20+ years of marriage.

    When you add in the anti-social/social media dating effect on human interaction, many of use are trying to navigate a new world with old tactics. Someone wise told me opposites attract but they don’t stay together. It may be a fact to be successful to look for someone with like virtues and interest to gain the most success in the social, dating, coupling arena.

    I have since remarried, basically after dating for a year, I simply prayed real hard for what I was looking to have in my life and it appeared. True story. Honestly the dating ritual was taxing, fun but taxing. The world offers so much choice and mixed messages, leaving many confused as to what we truly desire in a human companion, and often residing to periods of social surrogates. Which means, I’ll date this person for this quality and that person for this other quality.

    I would say if you can picture in you being your desire and be focused on the intent, the object of your desire will manifest. I know it sound newageish, but I have seen it work many times.
    Be blessed
    Emmitt Billionaire Lifestyle Muckles

    Liked by 2 people

    1. What a wonderful response! I really enjoyed reading that. It really is a minefield out there, but I’m glad you managed to find what you were looking for. Believe me, I’m praying too. I’m praying reeeeeal hard, lollll!! : ) Maybe you can put in a good word for me too with the man upstairs – sound like you’ve got his ear. : D

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This is an awesome topic, let me know if you would like to discuss it on my podcast. I’m sure many people could benefit from the conversation. It’s one I have heard many female and a few male friends reference.

        Liked by 2 people

  9. This was neat! Loved it!

    If its real then don’t be surprised that Naser won’t marry you. His proposal, to me, seems like an invitation for you to connect with him again. You never know he is there just to help you out of your situation. Looks to me a genuine guy with good intentions, just there to clear the clouds and show you the real picture.

    Again, if its real then the precise words “There is nothing wrong with you”, seem to me your thoughts about yourself…

    Liked by 2 people

  10. This is one of the best posts I’ve seen in a long while. 🙂 You had me laughing out loud at the lying gay serial killers bit.

    I have no dating advice to give, but I do agree with marrying your best friend.A number of my friends are facing the same issues–with some, deleting and reinstalling dating apps sometimes multiple times throughout the year. With the advent of technology, it really is easier to meet people but a lot harder to get to know them.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s so true – technology gives with one hand, and takes with the other. It’s difficult to know the best way to apply it to such a personal situation. Well chuffed that it made you crack up though! : D

      Like

  11. you know being a guy, i have to laugh at some of the things us guys think about, when it comes to women. Quite frankly I’m appalled at this speakers methods, his thinking, and everything about this “used car salesman”. Not all of us guys are bad, however in order to find the diamond in the rough, you need to find bad ones, so you know what a good one looks like.

    I don’t see anything wrong with you, and why you aren’t married with kids. there is nothing wrong with that. I have made mistakes in my life, most bigger than others but they are mine, and truly the only thinking we call our own at all.my advice is don’t give up, go crack some eggs to make that omelet, in the end you will come out better..

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I’m currently basking in the warm glow of all your ‘likes’ and comments and positive vibes – what a lovely bunch you are! : D I’ve really enjoyed reading all your messages – there’s some real pearls of wisdom in there. It’s been such an encouragement – thanks for being a part of that, guys. Stay tuned for a fresh post this weekend : )

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hello! I am a new blogger and would love if you could give me a follow and view some of my content! I loved this article because it was relatable and funny! Thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more of your content

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I think people grow over time and are just not the same as they were when they were a child. Children/the young seek safety, but adults tend to want to dare a little. IMO, saying ‘Breasts’ is not really respecting the difference in yourself or anyone else involved. Anyway, I’ve heard some people refer to their partner as ‘a partner in crime’ – someone to collude with and conspire with a bit more with than with a friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. “I tried to explain that it’s not like I haven’t been looking – it’s just that I’d actually like to have a real connection with the person that I end up with and, unfortunately, many of the guys that would have been great matches are already taken – especially at my age.” This part resonated with me! I’m 38, and a very single mother. Although i get noticed by men, i never seem to meet any my age who are actually SINGLE.
    The uber driver in this story annoyed me so much! For one, “single” is not a dirty word; something we should be ashamed of ( at any age!). And secondly, as you pointed out, being single isn’t the result of us hiding away and making ourselves unavailable; we can get ourselves “out there” as much as we like, but at the end of the day, it’s not like we actually have a say in who comes along ( or who doesn’t come along). It’s a total lottery. And being attractive doesn’t help one jot if all the intelligent, interesting, decent men your age are already married with kids…..
    Anyway. Thanks for sharing your experience here. I do wish you all the best!

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Was this before, or after Uber’s system-wide alert not to fraternize with passengers? To me, UBER is “the baited hook.” Would as many have clicked had the headline read: ‘Lessons In Love – From A Taxi Driver?’

    Liked by 2 people

  17. It’s such an incredible journey, this. and I love your voice throughout. I’ve given up on finding anyone, which is why I’ve written a blog exactly about that. Look forward to reading more of you.

    Liked by 2 people

  18. Oh, the wisdom of Uber drivers! 🙂 Loved the post ❤
    Personally, though, I think you need not rush — into a relationship, let alone marriage. Am not saying don't give anyone a chance… but I guess it's better to take it slow and find the right fit than rush and be miserable, right?
    Never just "settle." You deserve much better 🙂
    Wishing you the best!

    Liked by 2 people

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