Dear Cupid…

I have a date. A blind date, at that. In fact, by the time you read this, I will either be furiously fluttering my non-existent eyelashes or climbing out the toilet window. However, as the all-seeing, mythical being you are, I’m sure you’re already aware of the night’s arrangements.

screen shot 2019-01-18 at 17.20.12All I’ve been given is a time and place – I don’t even know his name, let alone what he looks like. This could be a master stroke, or the end of a 20-year friendship. So please add a dash of unicorn dust and let him be lovely and normal so I don’t have to ‘Bye Felicia’ one of my nearest and dearest, and can at least enjoy my juicy steak and a tall glass of prosecco without having to use the safe word.

Now I can only do so much – you can’t polish a turd, but you can sure as hell sprinkle it with glitter and stick a cherry on top (which I fully intend to do). But we both know that smoke and mirrors and Spanx will only get you so far: the real magic is down to you.

So listen up and listen up good, you little sh*t: you better show up and shoot that damn thing straight for once, because your aim’s been more crooked than a dog’s hind leg.

screen shot 2019-01-18 at 17.20.12Over the years, I’ve watched you flitting hither and thither with your fat, smug, oh-so-punchable head, merrily flinging arrows left right and centre for all and sundry except me – and guess what? I’m getting a little long in the tooth for your false dawns and silly games, “Doctor Love”.

And you know something else? I’m also getting real tired – of being nice. Of being optimistic. Of being patient. Of being prayerful. Of being happy for everybody else. Especially when being all these things has gotten me absolutely NOWHERE with you. So this year, I’m going to try being something different: being a b*tch.

Hear this, you chubby winged rat: if you don’t fix up and hit the bullseye in 2019, I will hunt you down, snap that bow like a twig and wear your tiny cherubic testicles as dangly earrings. How’s that for a New Year’s resolution?

Yours ever hopefully,
The Tellergram x

 

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10 thoughts

      1. Aww. Sorry to hear it didn’t work out. His loss i’m Sure. Am hoping your demoralising ‘Plan B’ doesn’t involve you becoming a ‘mail order’ bride??!! Or even worse entering ‘Love Island’ ??!! 😄

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Regarding mail order and Love Island, trust me – I’m tempted. But I’ll take a rain check for now. In the meantime, happy Valentine’s Day to you too – may it prove more fruitful than mine!
    : ) x

    Like

  2. Oh trust me….it won’t! 😄

    Well I think you’re an attractive lady and I’m sure lots of other men (and who knows? Women?) think so too. You just don’t know it. And if it didn’t sound so cyber-stalkerish to say I’d happily go on a date with you. Keep being you, keep the faith and I’m sure you’ll find ‘The One’ soon enough. All the best.

    Liked by 1 person

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