I was stood at the counter in McDonald’s last week about to place a tasty order when I was made aware of the strange and sudden demise of a dear old friend. The kind of friend who was always there for me in times of need, a source of comfort and solace in this ever-changing world – a rock.
They’d slipped away quietly on February 3 2016 without warning: there was no fanfare, no obituary. The cashier broke the devastating news: I wailed in disbelief. I never even got the chance to say goodbye. Things will never be the same again.
The official word from the fast-food giant is: “Whilst we are sad to see the Big Breakfast go, we are continually developing our menu, and this is particularly true of our breakfast items. In recent years we’ve added wraps, bagels and porridge, as well as expanding our McCafe drinks range, and some items have to be removed to allow for this ongoing development.”
Errrrrrrm… come again?!? This was not just “some item”, you sacrilegious twits – this was a cherished cult classic! What customer research did you do before electing to banish the cornerstone of your entire breakfast offering?!? You don’t see any greasy spoons rushing to “remove” the full English to allow for “ongoing development” and porridge, do you?
I blame the hipsters. Everything these days is being redesigned and overhauled to pander to these yoga-bending, avocado-munching, NutriBulleting aliens. They took Brixton (yeah, I said it!) and now the millennials are messing with my Maccy Ds. Admittedly, passing through those golden arches is a bit like entering the crack den – I’m well aware of what’s on offer and the risks to my health. But I came here for my fix: I do not wish to be subjected to a pile of quinoa.
To be honest, I’m a little confused as to why this great institution of disgustingly delicious calorific succulence is now wasting time trying to reposition itself as a salad bar. Junk food is supposed to be bad for you – that’s kind of the whole point! No-one in their right mind is coming here in search of a nutritionally balanced meal.
I frequent this dodgy establishment from time to time because, every now and then, I like my meat stuffs questionable at best and positively dripping with fat; I WANT my chips deep-fried to death, and buried beneath a layer of salt so thick I have to scratch about for them like a lost flip-flop on a sandy beach. I do not want to feel like I’ve accidentally wandered into the rice-cake aisle in Holland & Barrett – the one where everything is dry and crispy and joyless, but really, really good for you. In the same way that plain, boiled water is really, really good for you. Or bark.
In chasing after these #Foodstagramming trendsetters, I can’t help but feel that McDonald’s is abandoning the hardened, lard-gobbling stalwarts who’ve been keeping their business afloat for decades. Dear boardroom directors: we still need to eat as well. If I wanted to nibble on mung beans for breakfast, I’d have gone to Whole Foods. But hey – why stop at breakfast? Tell you what – why not just go the whole hog and replace EVERYTHING on the menu with kale and dust? That would really make the hipsters happy.